When Words Fail
by Horisont
Summary: Prequel to "In Your Memory", This is his side of the story. Isn't funny how we seem to write the end before the beginning? Title change!
1. Default Chapter

AN:Hey! I know I have a ton of writing to do on my other stories, but this one was just begging to be written. As much as I based my other story around him, I figured Thomas needed a voice too.

Prequel to "In Your Memory", Thomas' point of interest.

Here's a Non Sequitor that you can chew on:

United States Civil War 1861-1865- Colonel Laurence Chamberlain of Maine fought alongside his little brother Lt. Thomas Chamberlain. Quote from the movie "Gettysburg":

" Darn it Tom, don't call me Laurence."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was writing again. It was his escape when there were no parts left to fix, nothing mechanical he could alter or tinker with. He had done all the repairs he could in the zoid bay until they had locked down for the night, and all his spare parts were used in whatever he could make of them. So he sat, curled in bed, escaping into a world of his own making. In these pages his hopes and fears gained a life of their own in his characters. Everything came out, nothing hidden, and he could resolve anything with his pen. The feelings flowed away in dark ink. These stories were his very own secret, as was what was in them, and nobody would read them. Maybe that wasn't such a bad thing though; he had never finished one before.

Thomas's hand scribbled across the page in messy scrawl. The white space was quickly giving way to surprisingly even lines of small, winding cursive that dashed along the surface almost illegibly. But he knew exactly what was being said by the screaming letters. This was his heart pouring out after all, somewhere within the fictional scenes of his worlds. His writing was getting messier as sleep crept up on him. He had been awake since four that morning running errands for Guardian Force, and doing the paper work that came with his treasured job. Exhaustion was bound to set in if he didn't get some rest. He'd been going nonstop for, he glanced at the clock, twenty four hours. His pen slipped as he stared at the glowing red numbers. It was four o'clock again.

With a sigh he flopped back into the covers and snuggled for a moment. He was due to report in twenty minutes.

" What's two days without sleep?" He giggled to himself through a yawn. Leaning over the edge of the bed he felt along the bottom of his desk until a loosened piece of wood fell into his hands. He had fixed the bottom of the cheap desk to hide his journals, but figured he'd have to find another spot soon, the hollowed spot could only hold so much.

Thomas pulled himself out of the warm blankets and swung his feet to the cold floor, recoiling them for a bare second before standing. The shock of cold on his sensitive bare soles woke him enough to get to the shower and gather his clothes.

He had just finished dressing when a loud knock on his door jarred his half-dreaming mind.

" Thomas? Time to go!" A loud voice boomed clearly though the door.

Deciding against his boots Thomas slipped on the nearest pair of flat soled shoes and rushed to the door.

"Coming Irvine!" He called back as he rushed toward the door. An odd glance behind him caught his eyes on an edge of his journal sticking out from under his desk. He skidded around, sliding in his shoes and ran back. A quick kick knocked the book under the hollowed drawer space and he was hurrying to the door. Irvine had already left by the time he threw open the door.

It was only a five minute walk to the office, but he was already two minutes late. He supposed Irvine would be too, but the other man hardly cared. Thomas had no idea why he bothered showing up at all. Of course life here at the base wouldn't be half as interesting without him, he thought fondly. That brought a smile to his lips. It only dimmed when he thought about the coming weeks. Irvine would be heading out and moving on. He had already been there a month, long enough according to him, and time to find another town or base. Thomas couldn't help but feel a little let down by that news. He had been here on his own for too long now and it was beginning to wear on him. With Irvine leaving, that pretty much guaranteed the impromptu visits by Moonbei would end, and he hadn't heard from Van or Miss Fiona in a while.

Walking past the commons he waved amiably to the three men who called a greeting out to him. He wasn't friendless here, but that comradeship just wasn't as deep as what he had shared not so long ago. Loneliness had such an edge.

" Lt. Shubaltz!"

Thomas winced and sped up. He was late.

The afternoon sun warmed his skin through the dark shirt he wore and made his pale face a rosy, sun burnt, red. He silently fumed for a moment, a tad miffed at standing here in the hot sun for an hour, but let it go shortly after. Being angry only made him hotter. He had been shuffling papers all morning, and now all he wanted was a cold drink and some lunch, but his lunch 'date' was an hour late. He had no idea what Irvine could be doing. The man hadn't in fact shown up to the meeting so he knew it most likely had nothing to do with orders. It had been such a slow month for the both of them, a supposed break, so nothing much more than loads of paper work awaited them beyond the odd assignment. He figured the higher ups wanted him to be grateful for that. He was downright bored. Not to mention it gave him too much time to think. His journals were nearly full.

" Thomas!" A loud voice screamed in his ear.

Thomas jumped and spun on a heel, hand flying up to ward of any offender. He berated himself for jumping when he found his late companion behind him.

" Watch it." Irvine batted the waving hand way. " Space out on your own time, I'm hungry." The taller man threw an arm around his shoulders and lead him toward a waiting jeep.

Thomas bit the inside of his cheek to keep from remarking.

"You're here early." Irvine said conversationally. Thomas' teeth drew blood.

" You're late!" He rounded on the other man.

" What? It's only twelve fifteen." Irvine retorted grabbing Thomas' wrist to check the time.

" We were supposed to meet at eleven."

" Twelve thirty." Irvine shook his head. " I said twelve thirty."

" We agreed on eleven!" Thomas shouted. He felt the beginning of a headache flash through his skull.

" Oh, did we?" Irvine outright laughed at the expression on his friends face.

" Let's just go." Thomas moaned, rubbing his head.

The bistro in town was slowly emptying after the lunch rush, but the two still sat in there little outside table watching the people on the sidewalks quietly. Thomas could feel Irvine's eyes on him from time to time, but couldn't figure out what his friend found so fascinating. He was pretty sure he had cleaned all of his spilled sundae off his lap. Warily he shot a quick glance around to make sure the kid who had put it there was well away from him. Irvine had found the accident the highlight of his lunch, but Thomas didn't know what had caught his attention now. It was beginning to unnerve him.

" Yo, Thomas?" The quiet seriousness in his friends voice immediately drew him around.

" What is it?"

"Have you shrunk?" He asked just as seriously.

Thomas stared at him for a moment before laughing.

"What?" He giggled again, but when he looked up Irvine's expression had only gotten darker." Irvine?"  
" Your clothes are too big." He stated in a clipped tone.

" Yes. I suppose." Thomas pulled self-consciously at his loose shirt. He could feel the tight belt around his waist press slightly against the food contented bump of his normally flat stomach. They had fit a when he got them hadn't they?

" Why?"

Thomas met Irvine's eyes but didn't know what to tell him.

" You haven't been eating." Irvine said for him when he got nothing but silence.

" Well, I've been busy."

" Bullsh-"

" Irvine!" A high pitched voice yelled from across the street.

Irvine turned toward the voice and impulsively smiled, almost instantly distracted.

" Hey! Over here!" He called back and waved the woman over. Thomas recognized her from the base.

He also recognized he was forgotten.

Watching as Irvine got up to hug the young woman he slipped quietly out of his chair.

" I'll be around town." He said loudly. Irvine waved as he walked off.

Strolling the sidewalks of the little town Thomas didn't know weather to be relieved or saddened by his dismissal. At least his headache would get a reprieve. Irvine could be quite annoying when he wanted to be. But, he could be really observant too as he had just shown, and caring. Not even Karl had noticed anything different last he was here, though that had been awhile. Thomas himself hadn't paid the state of his clothes much attention the last few months.

He brushed the musings away for now and looked for a place to go. Taking his bearings he scanned the street signs for the one that would take him to a parts shopped he frequented whenever he made it into town. While he was here he might as well replenish his stock he figured. Besides, there was a little project he had been itching to dabble with. Unfortunately, he had thought of it after he had dabbled with two other projects and used the last of his equipment. His thoughts successfully diverted, and now genuinely excited, Thomas hurried up the walk and breezed though the door.

The little bell that signaled his entrance drew the attention of the store clerk who immediately smiled warmly. The older woman leaned forward on her stool behind the counter, brushing snow white strands of hair back from her face.

" Thomas," She held out a hand and grasped his proffered one gently. " I've missed you dear."

Thomas smiled back in greeting. In an instant he was at ease in the cozy shop, lit with a warm orange glow despite the heat and time of day. Flowers sat in various arrangements around the room, and with the old grandmother sitting behind the counter it was every bit a welcoming atmosphere. He had stumbled in here a few months ago and had since made every possible excuse to come back. There was a larger brand name store not a block from here with every new technology possible, but he had barely been once.

" I've missed you too Matty."

" Well go on," she shooed at him, " you don't want to stand around talking to an old granny. I'll make us some coffee. No salt." She teased easily.

He had told her everything about his one time crush and friends. In return she regaled him with stories of her life in her younger days up to her grandchildren and cats.

" Cookies too?" His face became that of a child begging his grandma for treats.

" Yes, now hurry up and find what you need hunny."

Turning with the enthusiasm he hadn't felt in the last week Thomas finally took note of the others customers Matty had. There were only two other people in the entire store, but they were standing close to the front looking not at all interested in the rack in front of them. He smiled tentatively when he realized the two men weren't looking at the merchandise, but him. Quelling the suspicion that tried to rise up in him he began walking toward the back, collecting odd bits as he went past, and avidly trying to ignore the feeling of eyes on him. His mind automatically filed away the detail he'd picked up off the men. Two tall, built men who looked oddly out of place in the dirty clothes of what he assumed were fielders. Their demeanor hadn't been that of one of the towns hard workers, but that of someone uncomfortable in the garb they'd put on. Thomas mentally berated himself for being so paranoid. He hardly looked like the epitome of military display. But, he cursed his inquisitive mind, the men's hands hadn't had looked so untouched by roughness. He was paranoid.

"Thomas, coffee dear." Matty called from up front and he hurriedly put his things in a basket and rushed to her, the smell of fresh cookies already permeating the store.

Sitting at the counter munching on fresh baked peanut butter cookies a few minutes later Thomas had forgotten the odd gentlemen from before, both having left just after Matty called him. So, after being admonished for his lack of weight, his coffee with his dear friend had been a delightful time. For awhile the outside world had waited. Matty was an endless source of information, both small gossip and tidbits to the most important news, some of it secret. No one would notice an old woman and watch their words after all would they?

After paying for his collection Thomas hugged Matty and promised to be back as soon as he could get away again. Time had worn on as he listened to his friend and it was already time for him meet Irvine. He was almost out the door when Matty called him back.

" Thomas."

" Yes Ma'am?" Eyebrows creasing in concern at the grave tone in her voice he turned toward her. She waited until he met her eyes.

" There's time enough to sit in silence, don't let the time to speak slip by."

" Matty?"

" Have a good day dear," She quickly intervened, all motherly cheer, " and remember to eat something. Your pants will fall down."

Thomas stared at the grandmother for a second before smiling a questioning goodbye and hurrying out the door.

He hummed contemplatively as he walked, quickly losing himself to his thoughts and the old tune he'd learned from his brother. He couldn't help but over analyze Matty's words, but still couldn't understand them. Unconsciously he changed the tune to one his brother had sang him when he had nightmares. For whatever reason he couldn't put his finger on he had a feeling something was wrong.

All this thoughts vanished as he caught sight of the town clock tower.

"Oh no. I'm late!"

He had forgotten Matty's old clock was always an hour behind. He was supposed to be back at the base already, now he could only hope Irvine had waited for him. He stopped right there and immediately calmed down. With Irvine being late meant being on time. Still not completely at ease he picked up the pace and hurried across the streets.

It was in a stunned daze that he stared at the empty parking spot that had once housed their jeep. It would appear Irvine had had an odd day.

" Oh all the…"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN:I've got a great idea for this story, and it will work out some answers too. Yeah, this could be weird. I'm still working on the sequel. Should I finish this one first, then work on the other. Or vice versa?

If you want a say, just tell me. I'm going to finish them both anyway.

About the tidbit from the beginning:

Weather the interaction between the brothers in the movie is substantiated in real history, I don't know, but that they were in the same unit together is true. But, it just hit while watching that movie how it reminded me of that little interaction between our lovely anime characters. Throughout the movie the Lt.is always coming up to his brother and calling him by his first name, and in response getting a "don't call me that". I'm guessing since they did use that it must have some true origin. I hope. They even reminded me of our colonel and lt.with how they acted somewhat, in the movie of course. Hollywood hams it up quite a bit, but "Gettysburg" was really quite an accurate and serious movie. It was rather…mind tickling.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: When Words Fail

AN: I'm sorry for the abrupt change in title. Though, now that I look at it, it isn't that different…hmmm. But still better. My gosh, this is actually starting to develop! I am sorry for slow updates (sporadic just doesn't cover it..). What can I say, life throws me lemons, and I forgot my juicer. This story itself wasn't even what I had in mind when I started " In Your Memory", but I had this idea and it kicked and screamed out.

I will hopefully have more on IYM very soon.

* * *

It was nearing sunset when Thomas made it back to the base. He had cursed Irvine's twisted sense of humor half way through the first field, especially when he stepped in what he dared not dwell on, but thanked him the rest of the way. He was exhausted, dirty, extremely late, and very likely to be punished for not showing up or calling in, but he was peaceful. The day had afforded him a brilliant sky and warm breeze that wrapped around his weary form and brushed the sandbags of dirt from his shoulders, and for once he walked without thinking of much of anything at all. Quite a feat for a mind as busy as his. He just enjoyed the day. That hadn't happened much in the past, well, he couldn't remember but that was okay, because he was here now. And the taste of fresh cookies was still humming thankfully in his contented stomach. There had been a special flavour to them this time and he happily spent most of his walk trying to work that out.

He almost wanted to turn around at the first sight of the walls that surrounded the base. For a moment the feeling was overwhelming; just turn and walk away. Never go back to a life of orders and exploitation. But, and it hurt greatly, he couldn't do that. He actually liked being able to help people, and to protect. It would have driven him nuts to have been unable to help against the Death Stinger or Raven's terror when everything was happening. He hated feeling useless.

It was a big plus to be able to serve alongside his brother. Or under him as it happened. Of course, now that everything had returned to a resemblance of normal he hadn't seen big brother in almost three months.

He made a face at the turn his thoughts had taken as he made his way through the gates, waving amiably to the guard who recognized him and let him in without a hassle. Picking up the pace as he neared the doors he could only wonder what he would get for being so tardy. And for one wicked moment he thought of skipping out altogether on checking in. He let out an agonized sigh when he realized he couldn't do that. Something important might come up, and he might actually be needed. A quick stop to his room wouldn't hurt though. If he didn't put his bag down soon his arms were likely to fall off, and then what good would he be?

Hurrying down the halls Thomas winced at the feeling of unease that simmered in his stomach. A small pang of pain sprang up then dulled into a constant ache, burning a little fire in the pit of his abdomen. He winced and laid a delicate fingered hand on the thin expanse. On top of everything else he was getting sick? What a day. Thomas tried to ignore the little twinges and ache and quickened his pace down the hall and into the sanctity of his tiny room. He would just have to get through his superiors interrogating then hurry back and sleep the rest of the day. First he had to stash his parts in a safe place. That peaceful feeling had all but fled.

Twenty minutes later he returned with a sound scolding and a blazing headache. Whatever he had contracted was wreaking havoc on his normally fit body. And he was supposed to meet Irvine for dinner. The mere thought of food turned his stomach through a blender, and he nearly cheered when he saw the note taped obtrusively on his door. Nearing he saw their was a giant heart doodled on the centre. Irvine was his headache. Quickly pulling off the note before anyone else could get the wrong idea, Thomas hurried into his room and slammed the door. With a flop he landed on soft blankets and snuggled into them like a kitten, nearly falling asleep in matter of seconds before he remembered the paper in his hand. He crinkled his nose in thought. Toss it to wherever it may go, or read what the ditcher had to say. He had been left high and dry in the middle of town. On the other hand he had loved walking through the country. Except for that little unmentionable sticky problem in the field. Then again, he hadn't been wearing boots either. He sighed. He might as well give the man the benefit of a doubt. Bringing the note up to eye level without sitting up Thomas read quickly through the scrawl that decorated the smudged white paper.

" He forgot me." His voice sounded dry even to himself.

Crumpling the note in his hand Thomas tossed it casually over his shoulder in the general vicinity of his wastebasket. Irvine certainly hadn't minced words. One thing he did truly admire about the man was his ability to say what he meant without any remorse. Though, he wouldn't have minded a little sugar coating with this case. The good thing was that Irvine had a date with the young woman he had seen earlier, and needed to cancel with him. That was fine by him. They hadn't had anything important planned anyway, and now he just wanted to sleep.

Snuggling in his bed again, the sheets warming around him with his body heat to a nice cosy nest, Thomas closed his eyes to get his first rest in two days. Only to promptly open them again with a fresh wave of nausea. The room tilted then righted itself with a sickening jolt, and it was all he could do to clutch onto the quilts beneath him. A quick dash to the bathroom was all he could manage before he was completely sick. His days worth of meals turned over and out in his stomach and left him feeling grateful for the emptiness that followed. Pain swelled and ebbed like a tide in his abdomen, leaving him weak and disoriented. Curling up on the small rug in front of his shower Thomas chose to stay where he lay.

Something was tickling in his nose. A soft brush of cloth over the tip of his nose made him scrunch and sniffle. His mother had once told him bunny's wiggled their noses, not scrunched, but he couldn't remember why he remembered. He couldn't remember much at the moment, much too early. A yawn escaped slightly chapped lips, and his nose immediately scrunched again as morning breath assailed it. There was something cold under his cheek, and vaguely he realized he was on the floor. Another tickling brush of cloth made him sneeze, squeezing his eyes shut tight before opening them slowly to the morning light.

Thomas blinked. In front of his nose was a dusting cloth, filling his vision and wiping again at his face. With a sneeze he sat up and rubbed at his eyes, trying to dispel the sudden burning the light had brought on. Blinking them open, he managed to focus on the floor, and for the first time see what had woken him. He smiled. In front of him, diligently scrubbing at the spot his head had lay, was a half sphere little robot. He had made it himself not a week ago during one of his sleepless nights. It seems he had forgotten to turn in off yesterday.

Yesterday.

Thomas's good mood drooped a little as he did a mental check of himself. The pain was gone from his abdomen, and the nausea just a bad dream. All that was left from his illness was a overwhelming tiredness. He leaned against his bathtub with a groan, feeling too weak to even consider moving for the moment. Whatever had made him sick had worked him over good. And he couldn't figure out what had brought it on. He hadn't been sick in ages, and just that afternoon he had felt perfectly fine. Though it was true he hadn't been eating well at all the last few months, but he had remained in fairly good health until yesterday. With a yawn he decided it wasn't worth the headache that was quickly forming and put it out of his mind.

Now, all he had to worry about was getting up and clean. He felt disgusting. His clothes were wrapped about him uncomfortably, and slightly damp wit sweat making him grimace. The taste in his mouth was just about the worst thing he could remember tasting. But before he could even move the phone rang brilliantly loud in the other room. He groaned quietly to himself, pulling aching limbs together as he struggled to his feet. Half asleep legs threatened to buckle under him, but a quick grab to the wall secured him long enough to get his bearings. He stumbled as quickly as he could to the still ringing phone that lay on his desk across the bedroom.

" Hello?" Thomas whispered, his voice hoarse. With a flop he threw himself to the soft of the bed behind him. He was still so sleepy. He yawned into the phone.

" Thomas?" The voice on the other end sounded amused, and very familiar.

" Karl?" At once large green eyes were blinking into alertness in surprise. He fought off a yawn without success. Rubbing his eyes, he tried to wake up more.

" Sorry Tommy, did I wake you?" The deeper voice rumbled with laughter.

" What?" Thomas questioned as the roaring in his ears abated. " What'd you say Karl?" He was sure that was his brother on the line, but he'd completely missed that last bit.

" Forgive me Thomas, I didn't mean to get you up soo early." Some of the humor left the loved voice for the more common serious demeanor with a simple clearing of throat. " I don't have long to talk, and there's some business to discuss."

Thomas' tired brain was left to catch up to the sudden change of tone at an unusualy sluggish pace. His brothers phone calls were always short and to the point, and he hadn't called in three months, he had a right to be confused.

" Yeah?" He muttered intelligently into his pillow, trying not to snuggle and pay attention, but he still wasn't quite aware. _Really should sit up,_ he thought, but couldn't find the energy nor motivation to do so. What had Karl been talking about?

" Thomas.." There was a heavy pause. " Do you realize what time it is?"

" Not a clue." To be honest he couldn't care less what the time was. His big brother was talking to him and he was very comfortable right where he was. " You said early."

" Lieutenant, up, now." Karl's voice was that of Colonel Shubaltz now, completely and utterly commanding. Whatever joking quality he had momentarily acquired was now dismissed. " It is almost noon, why are you still in bed?"

" Sorry Karl. What's up?" He rolled to a sitting position tiredly.

" Thomas." He heard a long suffering sigh from hundreds of miles away.

" Sorry, sorry, Colonel."

" Better. Now, disregarding your sleep habits, I have some news for you." Karl's voice dropped in pitch to a somber roll.

" Yes sir." He quickly caught a yawn before it escaped into the phone.

" Have you heard of the research being done at the academy?."

" Yeah." Thomas nodded sleepily into his pillow, trying to keep up with the direction of the conversation.

" Your being given a chance to participate in the venture. I don't know the details, but they have requested a Guardian Force representation and you have the assignment."

Thomas soaked the information in, everything finally beginning to compute.

" But Karl, why are you telling me this?" His brother never got involved with these matters unless he had too. He bit his tongue too late. Why complain when the man was on the line with him?

" That's inconsequential." Karl cleared his throat slightly in the pause that followed. " I thought you might be interested in the experiments though. There should be someone there with the details shortly." He paused for a long moment. " Thomas. Perhaps we should spend a few days together after you return."

Thomas felt his eyes were going to pop out of his head at any minute now and distort this lovely dream. He must have been sicker than he thought.

" Yeah! Cool." He knew he sounded twelve, but he could care less.

" Right," Karl laughed gently, still sounding rather out of his element. " Thomas, go get up then."

" Yes sir, but don't you…"

" I'm sorry Thomas, but I have to go."

He gripped the plastic harder, as if that could hold his brother to the other end for just a little while longer.

" Right." He hid his disappointment. He was fully awake now, and the conversation was over. " Well, thanks for calling big bro."

" See you soon Thomas."

The click of the other line was much too soon, and much too loud. He was sure that conversation had only just started.

Flopping onto his back, Thomas stared wonderingly up at the plain ceiling above him. Where had all that come from? His brother was not usually one for initiating things like that. He was the one who more or less dragged his brother away from his work to relax and spend time with him. Well, he wouldn't complain this time or any time Karl decided to bring up something like that. His brother was finally coming back into his life, and he was going to enjoy it.

" Mission." Thomas groaned out tiredly.

He'd been wishing for something to happen around here for months, but now that it had all he wanted was for it to disappear. Snuggling backward into the comforter he decided his orders could wait. Giggles assaulted his throat for a few minutes. Irvine was sure to have a heart attack, or a fit, when he told him this. But, his mind was made up. He would check on his orders this evening, after he'd had lunch and rested a while. Irvine was going to break something laughing.

Two hours later, much cleaner and dressed, Thomas was feeling better than he had for while. Whatever had made him sick had passed through his system, leaving him kittenish in strength, and starving. He was eternally thankful that he had nothing scheduled for today beyond a simple maintenance run on his DiBison, and if he could make it through lunch he was sure he could still catch Irvine to do something. Steadfastly he ignored the twinge of guilt that sprang in his stomach. He wasn't leaving until tomorrow, so his orders could wait. He would get some lunch later, his zoid came first for him. Then he would be able to come back and work on some of his projects. That would be relaxing and much less demanding of his tired mind and body then shuffling paper work would ever be.

The zoid bay was nearly empty when he reached it. He wasn't worried. Most of the units had left for routine training that morning. That left the normally clatter filled garage eerily quiet. He was quick to remedy that, rummaging through his kits with exuberance he hadn't been feeling too much as of late. He was leaned over a leg fiddling with a panel when a tap at his own leg nearly startled him into falling.

" What!" Thomas spun around once he had his feet on the ground, startlment written clearly in his movement. He came face to face with a grinning courier who looked amused at his ruffled state. The taller man reached out a roughened tan hand to steady him as Thomas swayed a bit. Regaining his feet, Thomas lifted his eyes to thank him for his assistance only to freeze in a wave of unease. Sharp brown eyes scrutinized the lieutenant with an intense, calculating gaze. A heartbeat later those eyes were a foot away and the look a memory. Thomas felt a wave of dejavou tighten his stomach. He could have sworn he'd seen the man before.

" I've got a letter for a Lt. Thomas Shublatz." The man presented the small envelope with a flourish then tipped his hat before walking away without another word.

" Yeah thanks. Creepy." He grumbled at the mans back, wiping at a grease mark on his cheek. He watched the retreating figure curiously, but quickly put him out of his mind in favor of a new mystery." Who would send me a letter?"

Thomas looked curiously down at the white paper, but no return address was printed. A spark of excitement burst in him and he ripped into the envelope with eagerness. Maybe Van had finally gotten around to writing him. You would think with the technological advances in the world today the guy could learn how to work a phone. He pulled the thin white sheets from the torn casing and delved into it. His smile faded with every word.

" Irvine?" His voice sounded small in his ears.

The words joking and lighthearted, but the message was clear. Irvine had decided to move on. He had gotten an invitation from a couple of friends to join them in a little Republic town late last night. Having to leave immediately he had no time to say goodbye of course. Of course.

Thomas let the pages flutter to the ground, as he turned back to his zoid, not bothering to see if there was more. He shouldn't be surprised should he? After all, Irvine was a mercenary, a wanderer at heart. This had just been a convenient place to park himself for a while. He couldn't begrudge the man his freedom. All he had to do was ask and Thomas would have gone with him. He would much rather roam the globe with a friend then sit alone in a 'proper place'. His gaze drifted toward the open doors and the expanse of land he knew lie beyond the walls. Already he could imagine thousands of stories to go with every setting he would see. His fingers itched to do something. Anything would be fine right now, writing, tinkering, and rewiring the whole damn place.

His wrench flew across the room to land against the far wall.

Almost immediately he felt guilty. There was no reason to get so mad. Irvine had every right to just up and walk away. Slumping onto the cool metal at his back he let the tension bleed out of his body. The air was heavy in the unusual stillness. The metal catwalks and cavernous halls seemed strangely deserted at this time of day. This place was just so empty sometimes.

The wind picked up the carelessly thrown papers from the concrete floor, two sheets fluttering away from the retreating feet.

* * *

AN: Everyone still with me?

Please tell me if anything here doesn't parallel with " In Your Memory." I'm trying, but I've already caught myself going off on a couple out-of-tune trips.

Thank you very much!


	3. Chapter 3

Title: When Words Fail

AN: I want to thank all of you profusely who reviewed this story. There will be much more to come, as well as a better (complete!) version of In You Memory. Time is tight around here for me right now, but I've gotten a new wind with writing so I won't lollygag. (psst…Punker Princess, thanks for the juicer.) Lemonade anyone?

Most of the next scenes are going to be around the academy and I just want to address that. I don't know/remember much about the school from the, I think, one episode it was shone in, so I've taken some liberties. (at least I Think that was the academy. My memory's slipping) I'm guessing that since Thomas is military that it was a military academy of some sort and so it will be, of some sort. I've had various dealings with military personal in my time, so I'll try for authenticity with it all, really I will. Just please, give me some 'creative' room. Thank you very much! Please enjoy the story, that's all I ask.

Oh! In case of the off chance you wanted to, I have some fanart up on my deviant art page http/horisont. Karl and Thomas pics, not much, but I'm working on my skill.

* * *

It was like stepping back in time. The old stone was weathered and familiar, just as he had left it all those months ago, marked by seasons but staying innately the same, comforting. The buildings were grand for such a school, elegant and demanding respect as they winged out with high windows and arched entries. Carefully cut and maintained yards spread out around him in green checked patterns, daring him once again to run out onto the lawn and disobey the ridiculous sign that ordered him to stay off. Everything seemed just as he'd last saw. It was like he hadn't left at all. Students were drilling precisely on the main lawn up ahead in the evening light, the fountain in the side courtyard was still tilted oddly from a overzealous rally, the windows on the second floor were still flung open to the air in summer, little things perhaps, but they were all still there, and they were comforting. His feet could walk these paths in his sleep, he was pretty sure some mornings they had. 

He would have to hug his brother extra for this. Maybe Karl hadn't really seen how much he needed to be somewhere comforting, but he had made it possible for him to come. He'd been thinking of him, and that was a comfort all it's own. While he'd been told to be vigilant here, he'd also been told to think of this as a vacation. Surprisingly he didn't feel like throwing his deployment orders in his superior's faces when they told him this. They had been annoyingly cryptic about the exact means of help he'd be providing, only that it wasn't completely urgent. Right now though, he could let the discrepancies go. He was no desk jockey here, and he could relax in the familiar surroundings, to a degree of course, he would do his job well. Breathing deep the warm evening air, he reminded himself again to thank his big brother. This was just what he needed to get out of his downward spiral. He would have gone crazy just sitting around the base after Irvine had left. There had been nothing to do for so long after he'd gotten off the phone with Karl that time had just dragged on. Time he would have normally spent with Irvine. Thomas slowed his pace and frowned at that. He hadn't realized just how used to he come to spending his free time with his friend. It was dangerous he decided, to rely that heavily on someone else, and he tried to put it out of his mind.

Though it had taken the better part of the day to get here, he was feeling remarkably upbeat and free of the drag he usually felt at such long journeys. Fiddling with the earpiece to Beek he hoped his zoid was okay at being left outside alone for the night. For some strange reason he couldn't understand, the management had not made accommodations for his zoid, instead expecting him to come by other means, therefore leaving him to strand, in his humble opinion, his zoid on the hill just to the north of the school. It wasn't all that bad really; he'd set Beek's sensors to monitor for paranoia's sake and headed in. Thomas snorted at the protest his zoid had made when he'd left him, and couldn't help wonder if he had spoiled Beek just a bit. Though he did seem oddly put out. He'd make it up to him though. Right now, he had a job to do, one he could do just fine on his own. No need for Irvine to annoy him with his constant disregard to manners, or protocol, and sharp eyes. No need for Van to take over and belittle his own attempts at solution, or his uplifting, rakish mannerism. No need for sweet smiles from Fiona or hip sly attitude from Moonbay. Nope, no need for any of it. Thomas bit his tongue. Focusing his mind on the facts he knew about the mission he valiantly tired to ignore the shadow that had fallen over his mood.

With quick steps he walked down the pavement, eager to get to the offices of the science department and check in. It had bee a long day and too much time had been spent on trying not to think, because in the end all his thoughts trailed off the mission and onto _them._ He growled slightly under his breath, irritated with his inability to put it behind him. They weren't his keepers, and nothing said they had to stick by him. So, he thought harshly, forget about it and just keep moving, focus on the mission. His good mood was entirely gone now, replaced by heaviness in his chest that constricted his heart. He pushed his spine painfully straight and picked up his pace. He didn't want to think about them anymore, or any of the past months. No more, no more, no more. Like a rising panic attack he could feel the tight feeling squeezing his throat and chest and looked around him quickly to find something, anything, to focus on besides his own thoughts. There had to be something that wasn't so messed up about such a little thing right? Just because everything he'd ever tired to hold onto was leaving him alone…

He stopped completely in his tracks in shock at what did finally distract him. All this scattered thoughts dropped to the back of his mind to quite white noise in light of the sight that filled his vision. The building on the far side on the yards. The tall, stately building had been a three-story dorm complex made of brick and stone, old eastern ivy crawled up the face giving it an air of dignity and antiquity. He could remember passing by it and shivering with remember ghost stories from older students, especially late at night. Now it seemed even eerier in the fading daylight. The brick was crumbling inward, charred and blackened in some places by explosions and fires. A large hole had been blown in to the structure, compromising the stability of the upper floors and revealing the inner rooms it had once sheltered like a cracked open beehive. _The white noise in his mind insisted that could be an apt simile for something else. _He watched as the torn remains of a poster ripped off one of the exposed walls and floated down in the wind. It seemed surreal next to the relaxing students on the green. He could only hope it had happened during class hours. His quick mind recycled images of the folder he carried in his bag, but he couldn't remember seeing anything about structural damage in general, and this was blatantly shellfire caused. He hadn't been briefed on this. A cold feeling settled in the pit of his stomach, shoving the heart break rudely to the side.

" Shubaltz?" A hesitant voice asked from beside him. He looked over quickly, caught off guard with his concentration on the building. He'd been so distracted he hadn't noticed anyone around him. Turing quickly he assessed the man who was walking up to him. The tall brunet had an arrogant swagger, but his face was open, shrewed, but nearly beaming at him. Finally, he sighed, he could focus on a nice distraction.

" I knew that was you man!" He thumped Thomas on the back heartily and laughed.

" Hi, uh, hi." Thomas fumbled, blushing as he realized he couldn't remember who the man was. Fortunately he didn't seem to notice.

" Man, we didn't think we'd see you back here again. You moved through here so fast most of us wanted to punch you in jealousy." He laughed again good-naturedly.

" Yeah, heheh." Thomas rubbed his shoulder and glanced at him nervously. Embarrassed he couldn't remember who he was talking to, he glanced around to cover his blush. He had the vague feeling he knew the brunet next to him, but for the life of him could not place him. So instead of embarrassing himself further he sought hurriedly for a means of conversation, not wanting the man to just walk off yet, and wishing for his brother's confidence in situations like these. The building across from them stared back him sadly, and he realized he had an opportunity here.

" Hey, you know we still talk about that prank they pulled on you. Whoo-boy, that was-"

" What happened here?" Thomas interjected quickly, blushing anyway at the reference.

" Wha?" The man shook himself, obviously thrown from his train of thought. " Oh, you mean the attacks."

" Attacks?"

" Yeah, local group of wackos taking out their aggression on the landscape and us. Was just a minor annoyance, but lately they've been uppin' the anty." He nodded his head toward the semi-demolished building, smiling confidently and easily at Thomas.

" I see." And he did, now. Looking, really looking, at the land around him he could see scorch marks littering the once pristine kept lawns and foliage. Buildings that he remembered being well maintained and stately were falling sorely into disrepair, broken glass and shattered stone replacing the memories of stable, sturdy walls. He hadn't noticed before, too caught up in the moment and feel of being back at a place that held some fond memories and welcome distraction. He felt like a fool. Of course, this must have been what they needed a GF agent for so badly. Though it still twisted his gut that he hadn't been told about any of this. He liked surprises, but not to be left in the dark.

" Lt. Shubaltz?" A questioning voice called his attention away from the broken buildings.

Turning, he watched an older gentlemen walk briskly up the path toward him and his friend/acquaintance/the man next to him. He recognized him instantly and smiled, thankful to find someone he did know and to the prospect of clearer answers. It seemed not much had changed in one person at least. Silver hair was still brushed neatly back from a high forehead, but now the comb accentuated a prominent streak of pure white that swept from his hairline to his neck that hadn't been there when last they met. Slate gray eyes glinted jovially at him from under horn-rimmed glasses as the man, stiff back straight and tall, reached him and extended a hand.

" Dr. Anderson." Thomas took the offered hand with enthusiasm.

" It is good to see you again Lt. Your help is greatly appreciated." Dr. Anderson smiled at him as he shook his hand, holding on just a bit too long.

Thomas could feel that cold ball in his stomach twist harshly. Something about Dr. Anderson's smile was strained and twisted. He gave himself a quick mental shake. He was beginning to get paranoid, and all because of some overlooked detail on a piece of paper.

" Please, follow me and we'll get you settled." The doctor smiled beguilingly at him under angled brows. The look he threw his companion wasn't quite as warm.

" All-right." Thomas nodded, turning to say goodbye to his friend. He was cut off before he could speak.

" Watch yourself, alright Shubaltz." The tone was light and joking, but sharp brown eyes glinted calculatingly into his own. Thomas jolted, so sure he could almost place him. A second later the man was laughing and thumping him on the shoulder heartily. " Well, catch ya later man. Don't stress out."

Thomas watched him jog away bemusedly. He still couldn't remember his name. Sighing he turned around, trying to figure out what he'd been told and quickly moving to keep up with the already walking man. He'd gotten one version of the story, however fractured and minute, perhaps the doctor could shed some light.

" Sir, Sir!" He called as he caught up.

Dr. Anderson looked over at him sharply, a momentary flicker of annoyance on his face. He covered it quickly and smiled with interest at Thomas.

" Yes, what is it?"

" What's been happening? I wasn't informed of any attacks or riots. I need to know everything if I'm going to do my job-"

" Lieutenant," the doctor interrupted to his irritation, " all we require of you is your presence as we conduct a very….delicate experiment." His words were silky and convincing, oozing with cream thick persuasion.

Thomas thought his insides were going to freeze. He decided to call base as soon as he got to his room. This was far too bizarre really. From what he'd been recently told, and from what was in plain view, the academy needed the help of law enforcement, and construction aid, but all they claimed to want was his participation in a science experiment. He'd have had to been incredibly dense not to be suspicious of something wrong. Granted, he hadn't really noticed at first, but he had seen. Either they had a very sore view of his intelligence, or safety codes had dropped considerably since he'd attended.

He took the time to observe as they walked quietly through the halls. The walls of this section were still perfectly untouched by the destruction on the other side, still white and pristine, clinical. It gave him a moment of vertigo as his mind processed the change. He couldn't remember the school feeling this ominous or unwelcoming. The feeling of energy that he'd remembered as he'd approached the school he now realized was doused considerably in the faces of the people he passed. They were wary and anxious, glancing furtively at him as if he had been the cause of the destruction outside. Again he wondered why he hadn't been told this, and why it wasn't priority in their agenda. Weren't they supposed to keep the peace?

There was more to it. He'd learned the hard way to trust the signs around him, and his own feelings, and as they walked farther into the Science department that cold ball in his stomach turned into a spike of ice. There were no students here, not all that unusual as later hours approached, but there were no signs of them either. No, the classrooms he could see into were cleaned out and empty of teaching materials. A few of the rooms they passed had been converted into storage or locked tight, shuttered and protected. Catching the gaze of an odd scientist walking between rooms he couldn't help wondering at the strange sense of anticipation the man nearly vibrated. The look of appraisal that the man shot him gave him a round of chills. Thomas was grateful when they finally entered a dormitory wing.

" Here we are Lt.," The doctor announced cordially, holding open a door that led into a small, functional room. " I hope this is to your standards."

Thomas smiled disarmingly and tried to ignore the sudden condescending tone. He hadn't remembered the doctor being so strange, but the man seemed to be wavering between disdain for him and his usual polite manner.

" Thank you Dr. Anderson. When will you need me tomorrow?" He asked brightly, standing outside the door with him.

" Seven o'clock sharp. We will begin the activities at seven thirty. Good evening Lt."

" Good evening Doctor." Thomas nodded his head respectfully in a small bow, then stood and waited for the man to walk away, but he didn't move. They stood awkwardly for a moment, and he got the distinct impression the man wouldn't move until he was safely locked in his room for the night. Disconcerted by the steady stare he was receiving he stepped just inside the door and turned to nod at the man again, a wary smile on his lips. Sure enough, once he was inside the scientist moved to grab hold of the doorknob and shut the door himself. Thomas quickly reached out and put his hand over it.

" Thank you for your welcome Doctor. Good night." His voice had an edge of finality to it that put a slightly stunned look on the recipients face. That look darkened to disapproval, but the doctor inclined his head and walked away before saying anything.

Thomas resisted the urge to slam the door shut, settling for quickly closing it and throwing the bolt home to lock it. Snatching his bags where he'd dropped them on the floor he crossed to the bed and flopped down haphazardly. He was thoroughly freaked out.

It appeared he had been wrong. Things had changed around here, and dramatically so. He'd known Dr. Anderson since he'd been a student, not all that long ago, and he couldn't remember the man being so cold. Demanding yes, even ambitious to climb the ladder of approval in the science world, but not cold. He hadn't seemed at all concerned about the school either. It could have been just him, but he really didn't think the doctor would hold a grudge for one little class explosion years ago. No, whatever was amiss here was becoming more and more serious the more he looked at it. Whatever science experiment they were doing shouldn't have been more important than the safety of the students and building. He frowned. Unless that experiment were the cause of the attacks.

Thomas shook himself. First things first, he had to contact base and report in. He'd go from there.

" I understand sir, but.."  
" Lt. Shubaltz," the cultured voice interrupted smoothly, tone indicating he complete disdain for the coversation, " I've noted your complaint on file, and I can assure you of our knowledge of this development. You need only concentrate on you own duties. Everything will be taken care of."

Thomas glared ineffectually at the screen that scrolled confirmation of his uplink leisurely. He had hoped he would get through to his superiors directly, but instead he got this incompetent fool. He took a deep breath before trying again to get the man to put him through or take him seriously.

" Major Smith, I would like to speak to.."

" Lt." The pinched voice broke through once more. " I am sorry, but there is nothing more to do at this time. Rest assured that I will bring your complaint to the Colonel and he will delegate as he sees fit. Now, good night Lt. I'm sure you have much do."

" Major…" Thomas closed his eyes as the line was cut. Of all the pompous asses he could have had the luck to get on the first try, he had to get that one. Taking the earpiece from the clasp he laid it on the table and stood up to stretch. He'd just spent the better part of an hour trying to reason with the major and gotten nowhere. The man simply delighted in cutting him off at every turn. They had never gotten along. The major was a born weasel, the kind of man who would do anything to climb a social ladder, including abusing his power as close council to high ranking officers. That in itself rubbed Thomas the wrong way. Then the man had had the audacity to accuse him of using his brother to gain rank and privilege in his position. He shouldn't be surprised the man would block his inquiries just for spite.

He really was tired of this, and he knew he would get nowhere waiting for help on that end. So, he would just have to take this upon himself. He grinned. With enough evidence he could shove this case down Smitts throat. Catching the rather malicious thought Thomas quickly chastised himself. It would do no good to go down to the slime with that man. But, in any event, he could sincerely help the school, and if it knocked the majors nose down from the atmosphere, then all the better.

He sighed resignedly; this distraction was becoming more of a headache.

He startled when his stomach gave a decisive grumble. He hadn't eaten since early afternoon after setting out. It was a wonder he hadn't noticed before. Biting his lip he decided to just eat in; the café would most likely be closed by now and he could take a look around a little more inconspicuously without stopping in to eat. So, he thought, eat first, then a 'walk'.

Thomas dug eagerly through his bag of necessities and pulled out the brightly colored tin Matty had given him before he'd left that morning. He needed something of a distraction from his distraction, and Matty's special peanut butter cookies were perfect for that. Snuggling down cozily on his bed he ran long fingers over the design painted on the cover lovingly, amusement and delight bighting the shadows in his eyes. He traced the dancing iron kongs across the tin to the edge and opened it up to grab a cookie. The taste was a welcome smoothness on his tongue. He could let all of tomorrow's plans and worries stay there for just the moment at least. Right now, he would just savor his treat and let his mind ease. He licked his lips for crumbs as he turned his mind from the day's events to flavor of his cookie. There was that new odd tint of taste to it again. He had helped Matty make cookies before, and thought he could correctly recall all the ingredients for them, but this one was different than he'd had before. Another cookie was given over in the name of science as he tried to place the taste. He had plenty to spare with no one to share them with---. He bit down particularly hard to stop that thought and concentrated on enjoying his cookie.

He was halfway through his third cookie when the vague uncomfortable feeling in his stomach started. Lying down further, Thomas curled in on himself and tried to sleep it off. Whatever illness he'd picked up around the base just hadn't run its course through his system that was all, he decided. Better to sleep through it than try to eat anymore. He groaned realizing he would have to sacrifice one night of searching, but he wasn't moving now.

" Can't do this now." He mumbled miserably into his pillow. The pain was steadily rising in his abdomen, but he tried to ignore it. He couldn't stand being sick, especially at times when he needed to be aware.

In the back of his mind he resolved to ask Matty about the ingredient, a dim pondering on the chances of allergies to it was crossing swiftly. Smiling woozily at this realization he felt himself falling farther and farther away from the world. All thoughts scattered and twirled away with the swirling darkness that danced around his vision. In minutes he was fitfully sleeping on the hard student mattress in the tiny room, feverish and alone.


End file.
